I've just realized that I haven't actually posted very much on this site since joining, and not a single person has a clue what I'm capable of doing.  Unfortunately, the following is not the least bit Reboot related, but it was something I did a couple of years back between classes.  Just thrown together in about twenty minutes total.  I like to think that I've gotten much, much better since then...

How To Get Struck By Lightning

There is a particular trick to being struck by lightning that you all must know.  It is not frighteningly difficult to do; in fact, I would say that it is fairly easy.  I'm sure, in either a drunken stupor, a drugged-up haze, or just in some fit of plain old dumbness, you have ran out into a field during a thunderstorm.  Now, I can tell you from personal experience that, not only does this not work, but these people, namely you, have been going about this all wrong.

Firstly and foremostly, it is important that you do not actually attempt to get struck by lightning.  Lightning is rather finicky about this, and will not strike you so much as pass through you on it's way to the ground, to the building, or even to that six pack in your groceries.  Being used as a terminal and actually being struck are two completely different things.  It is rather funny when people don't quite manage to grasp this simple fact.

Secondly and next-to-foremostly, you must bear in mind that lightning enjoys pie.  Have even the slightest smell of pie on you, and the bolts will come in droves.  However, certain lightnings like certain pies, so trying to get a banana cream pie-loving lightning to strike you by having a blueberry pie won't get you anywhere at all.

Hitting yourself in the face with the pie, contrary to popular belief, does not help matters.  It only makes the lightning want to eat you.  Again, from personal experience, being eaten by lightning is not a trial you would choose to endure.  It is similar to being inside of a giant toaster and being pinned down with a fork.  Not a happy feeling.

Chances are, I just doubled the annual international pie sales figures in the span of the last two paragraphs.

Now, some scientists will tell you that lightning is attracted toward metal things, which is obviously wrong.  This fact is based on logic, and is therefore not attributed to lightning.  Lightning, you see, doesn't care to be logical.  It is much more fun to not abide by common sense, after all.  Living life in the absence of logic is one of the more enjoyable things you can do.

Some lightning do come toward people with wedding rings.  These, you see, are the loose lightning.

The last, and therefore least-foremostly of all the foremost things, meaning it is most important of them all, you must always, and I can not stress this enough, always, keep a sturdy pocketwatch on you at all times.  Not only are these little devices useful for telling what time it currently is, but they're also fairly handy in the event that you need to wallop someone.  You must be sure it is sturdy enough though, as cleaning up the bits and pieces of your own pocketwatch is never much fun.

And finally, more-foremostly then any of the previous information while not being the last and yet being completely out of order in the first place, you must remember that actually enacting any of these steps or techniques will essentially mean that you have just done something on roughly the same level of idiocy as trying to French kiss a Spaniard and a Cobra at the exact same time.  It would take quite the forked tongue to pull that off without ending up in a somewhat accelerated form of dead.

And so, there you are.  If you have any questions on the subject, kindly strike yourself in the head with the nearest blunt object, and I'm sure the answers will come to you by the time you regain what sense you had to begin with.  Also, your head will be that much more lumpy.  Good day to you, and I will try not to drown in the shower until I see you all again.