(Continued from Chapter Two: Circles)
...
(Continued from Chapter Two: Circles)
PAGE ONE: (Six Panels 1-3-1-1*)
Panel 1.1: Wide panel; Overhead shot of BLAKE walking down the sidewalk. Night has fallen, and pools of light cut half-hearted swaths through the darkness around him. His hands are jammed into his pockets, and his head is slightly down such that most of his features are obscured by shadows.
CAP: And just like that, I was out the door.
CAP: The first meaningful conversation I'd had with Cassie since the break-up, and I cut it short so that I can get to work on time.
CAP: Idiot.
Panel 1.2: Side view of BLAKE facing to the right, parked cars visible directly behind him as well as across the narrow street. Shuttered stores and brick buildings are sporadically lit by streetlights that seem to be an afterthought. BLAKE, still looking blankly at the sidewalk in front of him, has not noticed his face catching the faintly orange light shining from the right of the panel.
CAP: With four hours dealing with my insurance company's claims department and an extra emo flashback sequence behind me--
Panel 1.3: Front view of BLAKE, close on his downcast gaze. His face is illuminated now by the glow.
CAP: --and an overnight shift of "Customer Service" ahead of me--
Panel 1.4: Narrow panel, close on BLAKE's eyes, reflecting the light ahead as he finally looks up and registers its presence.
CAP: --never have I wanted so badly--
Panel 1.5 Wide panel. BLAKE is seen from behind in silhouette against a raging inferno. Two ladder trucks are visible in the background on the street, with firemen going to and fro on the sidewalk carrying axes and halligans. Hoses snake everywhere, lifeless without water. To the left, a large crowd is being held back by firemen and sawhorses.
CAP: --to just let the whole world burn.
Panel 1.6: Title panel across bottom of page, "BLAKE UNDYING" subtitled "Chapter Three: Nikki"
PAGE TWO: (Five Panels 2-3)
Panel 2.1: Half page with 2.2 inset on the lower right. Angled shot above the crowd, shadows cast long by the intense fire. In the lower left is the front of a firetruck, with a second on the cross street parallel to the building. Behind the sawhorse perimeter, a crowd has gathered, extending beneath the inset of 2.2, all of their faces illuminated by the flames billowing out of windows. In the bottom center of the panel, firemen struggle with a hydrant that is not cooperating. BLAKE can be seen on the right of the panel, skirting the crowd and the conflagration.
CAP: While I hadn't tried immolation yet, there's no doubt in my mind that it will hurt like a bitch.
CAP: Even after all that pain, it probably wouldn't work anyhow...
FIREMAN #1: Plug's got no pressure!
FIREMAN #2 (yelling): God dammit!
Panel 2.2 In the immediate right foreground, half off-panel, is the hydrant that the firemen had been struggling with. The cap is off, and a meager trickle of water drops down onto the sidewalk below, near the limp discarded hose and cap.
CAP: ...and there's only so much disappointment that I can take in one day.
Panel 2.3: BLAKE is on the left edge, walking off panel. In the background behind him is a sawhorse with the FIRE CHIEF directing his men with a slightly concerned look on his face. He points off to the left, addressing an unseen fireman. In the foreground on the right a WOMAN reaches over the sawhorse to grab at the lapel of the CHIEF's turnout jacket. The woman is caucasian, wearing grubby clothing and a jacket that is too big for her, such that her sleeves almost fall over her hands as she manhandles the CHIEF. She has dark circles under her eyes, and wild hair, looking as though she's done more than her share of recreational drugs.
FIRE CHIEF: Jimmy! We gotta run a supply hose from down the block somewhere. Get me some goddamn water!
WOMAN (yelling): Why aren't you going in? Why are you all just standing there?
CAP: Say what you will about answering phones at SyncGrove--
Panel 2.4: The WOMAN is hauling on the CHIEF's jacket and pointing up at the building. The CHIEF has turned to his left to follow her finger. The fire's rage throws both of their expressions of dread into sharp relief. On the left side of the panel, BLAKE can be seen from behind, coming up short when he overhears the conversation behind him.
CAP: --at least I don't have to run into burning buildings.
FIRE CHIEF: Can't go in till we got water lady, it's not safe.
WOMAN (hysterical): But my baby's still in there!
FIRE CHIEF: Jesus!
Panel 2.5 Inset panel close on BLAKE's face, grimly turning back to look up at the fire, thin lips pursed.
CAP: Fuck.
PAGE THREE: (Three Panels 1-1-1)
Panel 3.1: Wide panel. The FIRE CHIEF is in the foreground to the right, the WOMAN immediately next to him on the other side of the sawhorse. Behind her to the left is BLAKE, looking at the two of them. The FIRE CHIEF looks off to the right, his back to the reader. The WOMAN is still hanging on to the CHIEF's turnout jacket, but has turned to look at BLAKE to her right (panel left).
FIRE CHIEF: Christ Jimmy, there's a kid in there! Move it!
WOMAN: Please, you gotta save her!
BLAKE: So if she's in there, how the fuck did you get out?
WOMAN: ...wha?
Panel 3.2: Wide Panel. BLAKE can be seen between the FIRE CHIEF, to the left of the panel, and the WOMAN who is now accosting BLAKE with a pointing finger. Her sudden anger at BLAKE only serves to make her more ugly.
BLAKE: Or were you out trying to score some more crack?
WOMAN: Fuck you, asshole! Who the fuck you think you are?
Panel 3.3: Wide Panel. BLAKE is vaulting over the sawhorse, his left hand on the barricade, his feet in the air towards the viewer. The WOMAN is shocked, one hand going to her throat. The FIRE CHIEF is shouting, pointing at BLAKE authoritatively. BLAKE's expression is a mask of resolve and disappointment.
BLAKE: Just a guy who's trying to get to work.
FIRE CHIEF (yelling): HEY!
PAGE FOUR: (Five Panels 1-2-2)
Panel 4.1: Wide panel. BLAKE is running towards the viewer, his left hand is outstretched, pushing FIREMAN #3 to the right. FIREMAN #3 is in midair, knocked off his feet by BLAKE's shove, his hat coming down over his eyes, arms outstretched in front of him. Blur lines link the halligan in BLAKE's hand to FIREMAN #3's hands.
CAP: It isn't my problem.
BLAKE: Sorry pal, gotta borrow this.
FIREMAN #3: OOOF!
FIRE CHIEF: Are you crazy? Get back here!
CAP: On any other day, I'd trust the FDNY to do their thing.
Panel 4.2: BLAKE has vaulted into the air, a blur of motion. From his arc, he will easily reach the second storey window he is hurtling towards.
CAP: But I can't just sit by--
Panel 4.3: View of BLAKE through the second storey window, speeding towards the glass, radial blur imparting motion to the moment of serenity. Flames can be seen around the edge of the panel. He has tucked his legs up against his chest, folding his right hand with the halligan over the fist of his right. His head down, coat flaring behind him he seems almost angelic.
CAP: --while a kid is in danger.
Panel 4.4: Wide Panel. BLAKE smashes through the window, skidding to a stop Solid Snake style, the halligan extended for balance far to his left. Flames course around him, immediately funneling fire through the suddenly open window. BLAKE has his right arm up over his face for protection, his squinting eyes barely visible above its meager shelter. Broken glass is all around him like a cloud, ringing the motion blur that trails behind him.
CAP: Not if there's something that I can do.
Panel 4.5: Inset to 4.4, showing the backdraft billowing flames and glass out of the window into the night sky.
SFX: BOOOOOM!
PAGE FIVE: ( 2-1-1)
Panel 5.1: BLAKE covers his mouth and nose with his right hand, coughing slightly. Smoke and flames are all around him as he moves, the window behind him can barely be distinguished from the holocaust surrounding him.
CAP: Maybe it's cause of the shit I went through as a kid. All the neglect.
BLAKE: *Cough*
Panel 5.2: Angled shot of BLAKE kicking down the apartment's front door, the door swinging wide to the left.
CAP: Bouncing from home to home through the system.
Panel 5.3 Wide panel. The hallway is engulfed in flames and smoke, wide wooden stairs visible ten feet to his left leading up to the next floor, covered in fire and collapsed debris. BLAKE is covering his mouth and nose with his jacket collar with his right hand, the unused halligan in his left. Smudges of soot and ash are all over BLAKE's clothes and face.
CAP: All I kept thinking was that somehow, someone was coming for me.
BLAKE: *COUGH* *COUGH*
CAP: Eventually, all the suffering would end.
Panel 5.4: BLAKE shoulders a collapsed beam out of the way of the stairwell. Ash and embers on fire, it sets BLAKE's coat to smouldering, and burning his hands badly. Darkness, fire and rage transform BLAKE's face into a demonic howl.
CAP: Maybe that's why I'm doing this stupid shit--
BLAKE (yelling): RRRAAAAAAAAGH!
CAP: --which sadly, is still better than an overnight shift at SyncGrove.
PAGE SIX: (Four panels 3-1)
Panel 6.1: Narrow panel. Smoke and fire wreath a door that suddenly has an inch and a half rent in it, trailing the wedge of BLAKE's halligan. Splinters are flying everywhere.
SFX: THUNK.
CAP: In the end though, I was right--
Panel 6.2: Narrow panel. As 6.1 with a larger rent, wood flying everywhere.
SFX: THUNKSH!
CAP: --someone was coming.
Panel 6.3: Narrow panel. Larger rent, the halligan head protruding almost completely from the hole.
SFX: CRAAACKSH!
CAP: All I had to do was believe--
Panel 6.4: Two thirds page. Apartment interior. In the background, BLAKE has pulled a huge ovoid section of the door back through the hole that he has made with the halligan, exposing himself from waist up. He is seen midway through the action with the fragmenting door section still flying behind him, the halligan continuing its arc to panel right. Flames and smoke billow around him and throughout the room he's just gained access to. In the center of the foreground on the floor is a four year old GIRL in blue pajamas, face down, motionless amid the carnage.
CAP: --and hang on.
PAGE SEVEN: (Four Panels 2-1-1)
Panel 7.1: Low angle. BLAKE is crouched, scooping up the GIRL in his left arm, the halligan in his right hand. His coat and hair is smouldering, singed, and in places actually on fire.
CAP: No child deserves that feeling.
Panel 7.2: BLAKE hurls the halligan directly at the viewer in animalistic fury, the head flat in mid panel rather than tumbling end over end.
CAP: That feeling of being left behind.
Panel 7.3: Wide Panel. Crumpled around the hurtling halligan on the left of the panel is the highly illegal iron grating that was on the window a moment ago. At the head of a column of expunged flame is BLAKE carrying the GIRL, his dark shape highlighted by the gout of flame that explodes around him from the window at his back. Glass and debris is everywhere.
CAP: So I'll protect her--
CAP: --just a little while longer.
Panel 7.4: Wide panel. BLAKE sits on the concrete, his clothes smouldering. Paramedics have an oxygen mask over the GIRL's mouth and nose, who lies on the sidewalk next to him. He looks down on her with a mix of relief and sorrow. In the background, finally firemen are starting to get water on the fire.
CAP: Let her hope, for now.
GIRL: *cough* ...Mama?
PAGE EIGHT: (Five panels 1-3-1)
Panel 8.1: Wide panel. BLAKE pushes past the WOMAN, who looks tearful and relieved. In the background, someone snaps a picture of the two of them. He looks back at her, angrily.
WOMAN: God bless you, mister. Thank you for saving my baby--
BLAKE (angrily): Shut the fuck up! I should call child services on you right now, leaving a child alone like that!
WOMAN: Jesus, no! Don't...
BLAKE: The only reason I don't is because I know how much worse that could be for her.
Panel 8.2: Close on the WOMAN's face, horrified at the possibility of losing her child.
WOMAN: Oh god no, please don't. I can't lose my baby. I'm doing the best I can, I promise you.
Panel 8.3: Side view of BLAKE and the WOMAN, looking at each other. She has a frantic grip on BLAKE's singed lapel, looking at him with panicked, pleading eyes.
Panel 8.4 Close on BLAKE's face. Cold and angry.
BLAKE: Do better.
Panel 8.5: Overhead view of BLAKE walking away from the woman towards the bottom of the panel. All around the carnage continues as firemen struggle to control the blaze. Sitting on the bumper of an ambulance, the GIRL takes oxygen, a blanket over her shoulders. A short distance away, the WOMAN looks on after BLAKE's departure.
PAGE NINE: (Four Panels 1-2-1)
Panel 9.1: Wide panel. BLAKE, his clothing covered in soot, ashes and burns heads towards the right of the panel. He has just passed the desk of LEE, who looks up from his paperwork to address
BLAKE. His glasses reflect emptily as usual, obscuring his eyes.
LEE: You're late.
Panel 9.2: BLAKE whirls on LEE, who has gotten up from his desk, and is collecting papers from various piles.
BLAKE: You've got to be kidding me.
LEE: It's no laughing matter, Blake. This is your fourth late this week, and your clothing is inappropriate for work. I'm going to have to dock your pay.
Panel 9.3: BLAKE raises a finger to waggle it in his team lead's face, furious at the tiny man's perfunctory attitude to the extraordinary circumstances.
BLAKE: Listen you vapid little functionary, I just rescued a child from a goddamn fire!
Panel 9.4: Wide panel. BLAKE stands facing the viewer with his head down and posture slumped, his features shadowed but obviously furious. LEE is about to exit the panel to the right, seemingly ignoring his subordinate's outburst.
LEE: Save orphans on your own time, Blake.
BLAKE: ...sonofa...
(Continued in Scene Two)
Comments
16:16 Thu Jul 24th, 2008
Good notes. I'll have a second look at them with an eye to his mindset. The monologue is the sidelong introduction into the sub-plot of Blake's parentage, but his seemingly atypical heroism is justified in the second half of this issue. Blake's interactions with Nikki are an important development in the story, and will go a long way towards defining the nature of Blake's neuroses. Each of the first twelve issues explore a new and important aspect of Blake's unique situation, truly laying the groundwork for the future.
Tell you what. Stay with me through the next nine pages, and we'll convene again after next Wednesday. ;)
I really waffled over the crack-mom aspect, though. I was concerned that it would evoke racist overtones (Originally the woman was black, owing to my desire to portray a more racially accurate New York, and Blake accused her of causing the fire with her crack pipe) so I backed off from that plot point, to avoid diverting attention away from the story. The issue of race was unnecessary to the joke, and so when I decided to restore the plot point, the mother became white trash instead. There's probably a whole blog topic on this situation.
Thanks for the input, man. Good to be back!
17:05 Thu Jul 24th, 2008
Adding to CW's comment, his inner dialog could be about the crack head mom killing herself but at least Blake's not taking anybody with him, or something more selfish like he already knows after the toaster and such that dying is not easy for him so maybe he saves the baby because not doing it would just make him feel shittier since he would HAVE to live with it. That said I do like the line about hating the smell of burnt baby.
05:29 Wed Jul 30th, 2008
Lee's reaction could be mine under certain circumstances. That's working nightshifts for you :)
My primary praise is the description of the action. Even though I'm not great at layouts I could work with that without too much trouble. That's big; action sequences making three-dimensional sense are not that easy, either in comics or on film.
I have to agree that there could be a more cynical tone to Blake's dialogue (which sometimes seems long), but I fully endorse the pathos of exposing his family history. That's one thing we don't touch in Issue #2, so that can help. I just wonder, though, if we're not exposing Blake's entire life too fast for the reader to discover. Super Origin in #1, education, relationship and outlook on life in #2, parentage in #3... there's an ongoing thread here and there will come a time when it'll dry up. Okay, unless you want to be VERY detailed about his life history, and want to center the internal dialogue in issue #127 on another foster kid who has eaten the last piece of Boston Cream Pie that he really really really wanted on the last day of February in Grade 6.
That being said, I don't particularly have a problem with it.
The caption, "Let her hope, for now", that one I have a problem with. Seems overly heroic of Blake. I'd use that caption to bridge the child's situation with Blake's childhood. Maybe display some resentment of Blake's over the child's shot at having something he never had, rather than being idealistic over what the kid might grow up to become.
That's pretty much all I can come up with. I don't see much more to be added by me. It's solid.
06:32 Wed Jul 30th, 2008
"I'd use that caption to bridge the child's situation with Blake's childhood"
Oh ho! Just in time! You will see how that internal dialog is echoed in the second part of Chapter Three, which has now been posted. You will see that his words "let her hope, for now" are meant to have an ominous overtone, indicating that hope is something a child grows out of.
Like comic books. ;)
03:51 Thu Jul 31st, 2008
I really liked it Jason. Very solid. I can't entirely disagree with Crackwalker's assessment of the monologue but on the other hand it didn't really bother me either. I did like all the secondary characters and their reactions to Blake.
A small nitpick. On page 8 panel 1 you have Blake glaring back at a female photographer. I think his reaction to her requires its own small panel and would be lost in this larger panel.
Also, and I know he is super human, but wouldn't Blake try to at least crouch within the fire as smoke rises? Also, how did he know which apartment the girl was in?
05:17 Thu Jul 31st, 2008
Magnets.
"But seriously, folks..." Looks like in one of the revisions, the requisite girl in the window panel was combined with another without that part of the description. I'll go back and slot that back in.
Good call on the reaction though. I'll have to see if I can borrow some space from somewhere.
14:05 Thu Jul 31st, 2008
wow, guy saves a girl only for it to bite him in the ass later, but I gotta say, I got mad respect for this character now.
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Crackwalker
13:20 Thu Jul 24th, 2008
Heehee - this is good. I like the plot, and Blake's attitude with the crack-mom. The boss is terrific. Overall I have to say I had a few LOL's as I read it through.
The only note I would give is about Blake's inner monologue. It's the same thing I've pointed out before. I think his stuff needs another pass, to make it more suicidal; or maybe just more complex.
A lot of his observations seem too normal, too everyman... and maybe a bit too heroic at times. "I just can't sit by while a kid is in danger." is a very straightforward heroic line, and I think it could be a lot more interesting and flawed (and blackly humorous) like "I hate the smell of charred kid" or something like that - his motivations and backstory are all very clear and tight, but I think his narration should reflect a more disturbed, damaged perspective.
As I said, the storyline is tight - the plot is solid. The secondary characters and Blake's interactions with them all work really well for me. It's just the overall tone of his inner monologues that's a bit distracting for me. We should be getting a peek at the inside of a suicidal mind, a man with a deathwish that can never be satisfied.
His outer persona can be ironic about it, but his narration should be a lot closer to the bone